8 years ago tomorrow, on October 15 (which is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day), our doctor said 10 words I’ll never forget: “I’m sorry but your baby’s heart is no longer beating.”
That was the beginning of a very long and painful road we never wanted to walk on. In a span of two years, we lost four babies we couldn’t wait to hold. We saw heartbeats. We got our hopes up as the doctors told us everything looked good. And then each time, we said goodbye way too soon.
You don’t realize just how painful miscarriages are until you have one…or two…or three…or four. In fact, the pain only got worse with each one. I think that’s because with each one, a little bit more of my heart died. A little bit more of my hope died.
We never got our rainbow baby. God never fixed whatever it was that was causing our miscarriages. But I’m okay now most of the time. God has been faithful, even if not in the way I wanted him to be.
Why I’m Not “Over My Miscarriages: A Reminder on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
October is hard. At the end of September I couldn’t figure out why I felt so blah. THIS is why. Even though I hadn’t yet realized Oct was almost here, my heart knew.
My heart will never forget that this month is the time-more than any other time-that I grieve. Eden, Jesse, Ella, and Jadon, you are loved. You are missed. And you will never-never-be forgotten. So tomorrow, on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I will light candles for each of my babies I never got to hold.
Some people might think I should be “over it” by now. And maybe they’re right. Or maybe, the reason I’ll probably never be “over it” is because I’m not supposed to be.
You don’t ever stop loving your children, whether you meet them or not. I grieve because I love. I will forever and always love ALL of my children-the ones I get to hug each night and the ones I never got to meet on this side of heaven.
*If you’d like to read more about how I’ve worked through my miscarriages (with my faith intact) or if you find yourself asking God questions like, “Where are you in this?” I’d love for you to check out my Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten.
It can be read alone or with a group and goes into a lot more detail about how you too can be unbeaten, even when it feels impossible at the moment.
*Want to read some of my other posts on miscarriage? Here are some of the most popular ones:
Why It’s Not “Just” A Miscarriage
Difficult Days For Miscarriage Survivors (and why you need to know about them)
Beautiful, Lindsey. We have two grandbabies in heaven. The first, Baby Steinweg, would be five right now, and the second, Aurora, four. We think of them all the time! Their lives might have been very short, but so important. <3