Difficult Days for Miscarriage Survivors

Difficult days for miscarriage survivors (and why you need to know about them)

There are many difficult days for miscarriage survivors.

I’m sure most of you (even if you’ve never lost a baby) would assume the due date might be hard. And it is. Most certainly.

But there are also other days that are difficult. I hope this list will help you understand the pain of some of the people around you.

Difficult Days for Miscarriage Survivors:

1. The Due Date.
I don’t really even know how to put into words how painful this day can be. It’s not that the days leading up to the due date aren’t hard, because they are. But there is something especially painful about knowing that today is the day you should be bringing your little one into the world. Today is the day you should be meeting him or her for the first time, feeling his or her hand wrapping around your finger, and looking into his or  her beautiful eyes. Instead, your belly is flat, obvious evidence that you are not bringing a baby into the world anymore.

2. The Anniversary of Loss.
This is the day you often re-live the miscarriage. You can still picture what your baby looked like when you lost him. You can still remember the pain and the tears. The words of your doctor and the look in his eyes when he couldn’t find a heartbeat are still etched into your brain.

3. Mother’s Day.
I wrote a post about Mother’s Day a few months ago that explains this one in detail. Please check it out if you want to know how to love a woman who wants a baby but doesn’t have one.

4. October 15, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. 
I didn’t even know this date existed until a few weeks after our first miscarriage. I actually miscarried on October 15 the first time, so for me this date holds double-value. Every year, miscarriage survivors around the world light candles in honor of the babies they have lost. For me (probably because there are now so many due dates and loss dates), October 15 is the date I give to my babies every single year. It’s the day I recognize each of their lives and think about what could have been.

5. The Day You Find Out You’re Pregnant Again.
Pregnancy after miscarriage is drastically different than pregnancy before miscarriage. Every time I found out I was pregnant after a miscarriage, I fell apart. I was paralyzed by fear and often re-lived the feelings I experienced with the miscarriages.

6. The Day (or often days) You Hear about the Pregnancies of Others.
I wrote a post about this one too. It’s not that miscarriage survivors aren’t happy for those around them with healthy pregnancies. We are. And we would never wish a miscarriage on anyone. It’s simply that…your gain highlights our loss. We wish we too could be celebrating a happy pregnancy instead of grieving a life we never got to meet.

7. Other Holidays that Might Remind Us of Our Loss. 
I know this is vague and will vary from person to person, but if you know someone who lost a baby around the time of a certain holiday, just be aware that this holiday might now be more difficult than it used to be. For instance, my most recent loss was a couple of days before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, now, is kind of difficult for me.

Let’s Talk: What other days are especially difficult for you? Or…if you’ve never lost a baby, which one of these days surprised you? 

Bible Study and Devotional : Unbeaten by Lindsey Bell *If you’d like to read more about how I’ve worked through my miscarriages (with my faith intact) or if you find yourself asking God questions like, “Where are you in this?” I’d love for you to check out my Bible study and devotional, Unbeaten.

It can be read alone or with a group and goes into a lot more detail about how you too can be unbeaten, even when it feels impossible at the moment.

*Though I originally wrote this post a few years back, it still rings just as true today.

I originally wrote this post near the due date of our fourth loss. Here is a letter I wrote to baby Jadon.

Baby Jadon,
Tomorrow is the day you should be in my arms. Tomorrow is the day you should be meeting your two older brothers for the very first time. And tomorrow is the day I should be rejoicing in your arrival. Instead, my arms long for you. I’m so sorry my body wasn’t able to carry you longer. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give you whatever it was you needed for life. Most of all, I’m sorry I never got to tell you how much I love you. There are times I think people assume I should be over it by now. That because I’ve had four miscarriages, it shouldn’t be as hard this time. But it is. You are my child. My baby. My life. I love you, Jadon. And that will never change. I will never be completely “over it.” Not until that day when my family is together in heaven. All six of my kids. Give your brothers and sisters a hug for me.
Love,
Mommy

Author: lindseymbell

Lindsey Bell is the author of Unbeaten and Searching for Sanity. She's also a blogger at lindseymbell.com, a speaker, a mom of two, an avid reader, a minister's wife, and a lover of all things chocolate.

136 thoughts on “Difficult Days for Miscarriage Survivors”

  1. Another one I forgot to mention (thanks for sharing on FB, Amanda!): the days when someone asks you how many children you have. Absolutely a difficult day for a miscarriage survivor. You feel like you are betraying the children you lost by not mentioning them, but then also feel strange talking about them (especially to someone you barely know).

    1. So spot on! That is one of several questions I have realized I will NEVER ask another woman. A distance cousin as me and my husband a few weeks after we lost our baby (not knowing) “When are you going to give your daughter a sibling?” My husband didn’t mention that she had one that died…I couldn’t even speak and just walked away so I would break down crying.

    2. Thank you so much for this, I lost my little angel very early on, i struggle so much with this concept especially as my only living children are fur babies. I got a tattoo to remind me of my sweetheart on my wrist. Though some friends questioned that it would bring up hard memories when people asked…i found the opposite. It gives me the strength to talk about her. Not something for everyone but it is my constant reminder every day that I have her watching over me and that i have to live my life even bigger for the both of us. Much love to you and thank you for having the courage to talk about this. It is so comforting to know there is others who are feeling the same as me and help me feel more ‘normal’ xox

  2. I'm glad to be joining you today from The Modest Mom's link up.We lost a baby in early pregnancy almost 2 1/2 years ago. It's hard to believe it's been that long! I became pregnant surprisingly fast after our loss, and it was so odd to be very happy for a new baby but still grieving the one we lost. As you said, I felt almost like I was betraying the baby we lost. I still feel odd saying that we have four children (fifth is on the way) and not mentioning the other pregnancy that began and ended too soon.I hope it's okay to share this here, but I wrote a post on helping those who miscarry in honor of what would have been the second birthday of the baby we lost. It goes right along with what you are sharing here: http://smithspirations.com/2012/09/28/supporting-those-who-experience-miscarriage/. I love your heart to help those who have suffered this hard loss!

  3. My husband and I have suffered 2 miscarriages between 2 successful pregnancies. We now have a 2 year old and a 2 month old. I find the days that my 2 year old exclaims to others that she has 1 little sister difficult. She is young and doesn't quite understand all this, but as her mother I know she is a big sister to more than one. Also the birth of my youngest was a bittersweet moment. Along with that my husband also finds Christmas extremely difficult. Thank you so much for the blog post.

  4. I have quite a few friends who've lost a baby. I have three healthy children, so it's hard to know how to reach out to them (especially because of point number 6). Thank you for sharing this insight. And may God bless you tomorrow and hold Jadon tight for you.

  5. I just lost my sweet little baby at 8 weeks Monday night. My heart hurts… I stumbled upon this blog post today. Thank you for sharing this. I pray comfort your heart today as you remember your Jadon and your other babies.

  6. I had a D & C June 12th because they thought it was a molar pregnancy. The pathology confirmed it was a miscarriage and I was about 10-12 weeks pregnant and never knew. I am a nurse for a fertility center so believe me when I say I never knew I was pregnant! This was my third miscarriage and the other two I was nauseous immediately. This time I had periods and no other symptoms. The day before I started bleeding heavy I was seeing a weight loss doctor and he put me on pills and shots. I cant help but feel guilty like I caused this one to happen even though I know it was abnormal long before. My husband and I have a 3 year old(through fertility treatments) and think we are going to take a break trying. I don't think I can emotionally handle another one. Hang in there every one!!

  7. I had a D & C June 12th because they thought it was a molar pregnancy. The pathology confirmed it was a miscarriage and I was about 10-12 weeks pregnant and never knew. I am a nurse for a fertility center so believe me when I say I never knew I was pregnant! This was my third miscarriage and the other two I was nauseous immediately. This time I had periods and no other symptoms. The day before I started bleeding heavy I was seeing a weight loss doctor and he put me on pills and shots. I cant help but feel guilty like I caused this one to happen even though I know it was abnormal long before. My husband and I have a 3 year old(through fertility treatments) and think we are going to take a break trying. I don't think I can emotionally handle another one. Hang in there every one!!

  8. I think this is the hardest one for me. I haven't had it happen yet, but I've always been a very literal person. I won't feel right now saying 6, but I think I will have to say 5 as not to cause awkwardness every time. This will never change.

  9. Hello, I found your post from a pinterest post. I agree with these. We had our first loss in 2003, our son was born in 2004, and then had another miscarriage in April of this year. I'm dreading my due date in November.Nice to find your site.Bethany

  10. I absolutely know what you mean about feeling like you need to take a break. We were in the "trying for another one" for three years, and that's exactly what we are doing. There's only so much loss one person can take, ya know?

  11. Oh Bethany, I'm so sorry. Due dates are so hard. And I'm sure November will be especially hard with Thanksgiving too. We lost our most recent one right before Thanksgiving. Makes the holiday bittersweet…

  12. It’s funny, I always thought of a miscarriage was a single act. Then I had one and realized it was process. Another moment that I would had to the list is the day of your first period after the miscarriage has taken place.

  13. This post was exactly what I needed. Your letter to your baby is exactly how i’m feeling. The due date for our third miscarriage is in 3 weeks. But I feel like everyone seems to forget. And that everone expects me to be over it now.

    Loved this post!

  14. I just lost our third baby in less than a year tonight and the heartbreak is so great I can’t even begin to describe it. I lost our first baby on our first wedding anniversary last year, our second right before Halloween (my second favourite holiday and when my husband proposed to me) and the third tonight. So those days are added to my difficult days. As well as first baby’s due date – November 11th, Second baby – April 4th and this one September 8th. I am grateful for this article and when I am ready to go back on Facebook will be sharing it. Thank you

    1. Oh Candace, I am so, so sorry for your losses. My heart is just breaking for you so much. I wish I could say something to help, but you and I both know there really are no words. Hugs to you 🙁

  15. I had my miscarriage the day after my first sonogram. It was heartbreaking to see its little heartbeat and the next day it was gone. The worst hurt I have endured so far is when an in-law at a family get together went up and rubbed my belly 2 weeks after the miscarriage. I layed in bed crying for a week after. I now have my due date looming ahead and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.

  16. My miscarriage has been the hardest journey of my life and this year marks 7 years since I lost my baby. 7 years and I can’t even contemplate getting pregnant again. I’ve had an implanon every 3 years since my miscarriage. Knowing my chances of miscarriage are highly likely watching my eldest sister have 2 healthy children eats away at me for the fact my entire family ignored my pain and wished for me to abort my pregnancy 7 years ago. She says she thinks of me when she had her first ultrasound because that’s when I was told at 12 weeks my baby didn’t have a heart beat. But she has no idea what it was like to live through that day, that moment. I would never wish miscarriage upon anyone. It’s so much more than the emotional loss, no one tells you what has to happen physically to you. My family wouldn’t even acknowledge my loss. It was all kept hush hush even within the extended family.

  17. The hardest day for me was the day my friend gave birth to her son. Our husbands were camping together when we both called them one evening … Her telling her husband she was pregnant and I was calling to tell mine I lost our child 🙁 seeing her pregnant was fought at times but seeing him made my heart sink

    1. I see that this comment is older but I found it today and I feel better knowing other women feel the same. My childhood best friend gave birth a few months before I was due, and we were so excited to have our babies grow up together. I love her daughter so much, but since my miscarriage the days that she has play dates with other children and their parents are very hard for me. It’s been 2 1/2 years since I lost my baby at 9 weeks. I’ll never forget going for the ultrasound, seeing baby and hearing baby’s heart, but then having to go in for another ultrasound after the miscarriage to see an empty silent womb.

  18. I’ve never had a miscarriage, so I don’t know how that feels. I’ve watched several of my friends experience this loss. One of my friends went through a miscarriage in July of 2010. She called me on the way to the hospital. She was so scared. I didn’t know what to do other than cry with her. I was also pregnant and had my daughter just a few days later. When she came to the hospital, she just held and watched my daughter. It was beautiful and heart breaking at the same time.

  19. It’s been almost exactly a yeast since I lost my first child. I was 6weeks when I lost my little one. I never got to see a sonogram picture, hear the heartbeat, or anything. By the time I took the test, got the results and made an appointment to see a doctor…it was too late….I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it and I have no idea how to cope. My boyfriend and I don’t talk about it because it hurts to much but I’m totally and completely lost. I keep sitting here thinking about how I’m a mommy, but I don’t get to hold, see, or have my baby.

    Please, somebody, anybody…..does it ever get easier/better?????

    1. Oh Jennifer, I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious little one. Your baby is so lucky to have you as his or her mommy because I can tell that you adore that child. In my experience, time does help to lessen the pain but I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person I was before our losses. One thing that really helped me in my grief was professional counseling. It was the only thing that helped me feel not so stuck, ya know? Have you ever done that? I don’t know. It might help you to talk to someone…hugs to you. Please know you are not alone and I am lifting you up in prayer right now.

  20. I just miscarried Aug 27. My heart literally hurts. I can’t deal with this. I was 6 weeks along and only knew about it for 1 week. I feel like I’m being over dramatic in the eyes of others since it was so early in the process but I am so sad.i can’t stop thinking about it.im still physically healing but I don’t know that will ever heal emotionally.

    1. I am so so sorry for your loss. You are most definitely not being over-dramatic. That baby was your child, regardless of how far along you were in the pregnancy. Some people might not understand how much baby loss hurts if they have never experienced it, but your feelings are perfectly valid. My heart broke each time I lost a baby…whether it was at 6 weeks or later in the pregnancy. Hugs to you tonight. And prayers coming your way.

  21. I’m at a year and two months for my miscarriage… Its so hard cause me and one of my best friends found out on the same day.. and it was two weeks later the bleeding started and I lost mine yet she kept hers. It hurt, but the worst part was she pulled away from me because she didn’t want to upset me with her happiness which I get but just made everything worse for me.. No one understands, no one I know has had to go through this

  22. Within one week I have gone from a surprising pregnancy to mourning the loss of my baby. What makes it even harder is knowing my due date would have been Mother’s day. My family is doing there best to help me thru this but my heart hurts. Nights seem to be the worst.

  23. I lost my first a week ago today at 12 weeks. So far the first day back to work and having to explain what happened was hard Also, my sister is pregnant as well due at the end of December. I can’t wait to meet my nephew but I know that day will be very hard. I also know that I had the appointment set up for Oct 30th to find out the sex. I’m not looking forward to that day passing either. I sure hope this gets easier

  24. I happened to stumble upon this tonight and I’m so glad I did. We did ivf in July and found out we were pregnant on Aug 16th. On Aug 20th, I found out my hcg had dropped. I never made it to an ultrasound and sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be this upset by it since I was barely 4 weeks and may never have known had we not done ivf. But for me, it was a baby I lost, one Ive wanted and prayed for the last 3 years. My due date would have been my birthday….I’m not celebrating this year. I would really rather skip that day altogether. I hope this gets easier.

  25. October 15th is especially painful for me seeing as it is not only one of the many days I grieve for my lost child, but also my own birthday.

  26. I came across this article while on Pinterest. This is the first one I’ve read that made me want to finally join the conversation. Although medically it was called a miscarriage……I gave birth to my baby boy on Nov. 15, 2011. ( Our first birth….2nd miscarriage). He was 5 months early and was not going to make it. His birthday is coming up and I was looking for something to acknowledge it with me and my husband. Anyway…

    I really liked this post because many people don’t realize that these days can affect you often. The birthday really gets me.

    Thanks so much for sharing.

    1. Hi Brandi, First of all, thank you for your kind words about the post. I’m so glad it spoke to you and that you joined the conversation. I’m also so very sorry for you losses. The birthday is hard for me too. Hugs to you. And prayers coming your way, this month especially.

  27. Thank you for writing this. Last week I lost my baby at 8 weeks. It was my first pregnancy and not one that I had been expecting. Knowing as early as I did(at 3 weeks) that I was pregnant has made this so hard for me. When I had early spotting my doctor saw me right away and what followed that were 8 blood tests and 6 ultrasounds over 2 1/2 weeks to monitor my HcG levels and see if a heartbeat ever would develop. On my birthday the Doctors told me that the pregnancy was not developing and that I would miscarry anytime in the weeks following. I wanted so badly for a miracle to happen. I thought “its so early, how can they be sure”. My very understanding doctor allowed me to do 1 more blood test the Monday after my birthday and when they called me I thought I had my miracle. They told me that my HcG had finally done what it was supposed to do this whole time and it doubled. The hope I finally let myself have at that moment was so huge. Since this was a new development I went in 2 days later for yet another ultrasound and 1 more blood test. It was then that even at 7 weeks 5 days there was still no heartbeat. I miscarried 3 days later. I feel guilty mourning when the science says there was “nothing there”, but from the moment I learned I was pregnant everything I did became about being a good mom. Now, I have the first childrens book I ever bought and 2 onesies that just break my heart. I want very much to be a mom, but I am so scared to try again. Knowing the days that may make this fear and loss stronger will help me better understand my grief.

    1. Oh, Alyssa. I am so very sorry for what you’re going through right now. I wish I had words to make it better…Please know I’m praying for you today and in the weeks to come. Hugs to you.

  28. I lost my first baby nearly 13 years ago. Since then I have had 2 healthy sons. Something that is particularly difficult is talking about my first baby with my sons. Although they are 9 and 11 now, they obviously weren’t alive when I miscarried, but they are very curious about the older sibling that didn’t make it. I love that they seem to care about this life, but it can be very hard to talk about.

    Another thing that was so hard for me was when pregnant friends would complain about morning sickness. That drove me nuts. To me nausea was a sign that my pregnancy hormones were high enough to sustain a forming child. Losing a baby truly changes your perspective.

  29. Today marks a year that I found out that I lost my baby. Tomorrow is the day I had my d&c. I feel like I am having to relive it all over again in my head. My fiancé just seems to not want to be reminded about it. I literally feel like I have no one to talk to about it but myself. I feel like people are going to think that I am crazy for still being upset about it. I lost the baby at 8 weeks. I didn’t know until I thought I was 12 weeks when I started spotting & got the ultrasound with no heartbeat. I don’t think that I will never be reminded by every little thing.

      1. Thank you kateruddy! It’s nice to know that there are women going through the same thing. It’s nice to have someone to vent to. 🙂

  30. Tomorrow is the due date for my first child. I delivered him stillborn at 21 weeks due to an incompetent cervix. Since then I have also had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. When I was pregnant with the second one, I thought being pregnant again would lessen the blow of my son’s due date; but now it is all that much harder, because I am mourning two babies. This is such a difficult holiday season. I used be so happy at Christmas time, but now I just feel like I am dying inside.

  31. I am currently 9 weeks pregnant but, my O.B. told me at my last ultrasound that the babies heart was not beating well. It was at 40 bpm. That is VERY slow at 9 weeks. Also, I was told that the baby had stopped growing since my last appoint. They told me it would not live but I have to wait two weeks to go in to find out if the heart had stopped yet. The hardest part of all of this seems to be that I am in so much pain and have very little support. My husband and I have not told anybody knowing that with PCOS and my age (37) I was high risk from the start. I currently have 5 (yes 5) other friends that are due in the same month I would have been. The holidays this year have a very different tone to them. Trying to be quiet about it with my family when we are all together at a time we should be rejoicing has been so very hard.

  32. i miscarried the week before Christmas last year and as it reaches closer I think about how this would be my babies first Christmas…

  33. I had my miscarriage at 11 weeks. It seems like no one but my mother understands my pain. My boyfriend’s brother is having a baby too our due dates were a month apart and it hurts really bad when the family talks about her and her baby or she’s pregnant so she need this or that. It’s not that I don’t wish her the best, it’s that it should be me too. Then on top of that I have people telling me that I’m keeping other people from being happy for her because they are grieving for me, heaven for I make anyone feel sad about the loss of my baby.

    1. Olivia, I am so very sorry for what you’re going through. Having a friend or family member pregnant at the same time as your loss does make it that much harder. I’m praying for you today.

  34. Im so glad i found this blog. I lost my 4th pregnancy very early, and i thought i was over it, enjoying my 3 children and looking foward to getting pregnant again. But its been 4 month now, still not pregnant & my would-be due date is coming up…and now im feeling the loss all over again. (Maybe because my sister is due the same week?)

  35. I was told a week before my birthday in November that the baby I have dreamed of for several years now had no heartbeat. I just turned 38 and this was my first pregnancy. I knew from that moment on I would be dreading my first period. It’s comforting to know what I’m feeling is normal. All these dates that I have thought about. I think January will be tough because that’s when I figured I’d be able to make “the public announcement” at work. Now I’m just going to have to start all over again and hope I can do that mid year. I feel June is going to be tough for me because I would have had my tiny bundle mid month. And finally, I feel November will be tough for me also.

  36. I found out that I was pregnant on Christmas day last year. And then found out that I lost the baby a few days before Valentines day. Right now I am going through what I like to call recycling event. Because this time last year I was carrying the love of my life and a few short weeks later they were taking away from me. I was 9 weeks when I found out so a little further a long them most. I actually had to shut down all my social media site for awhile because a lot of my friends were announcing their pregnancy or just having their children. It’s not like I wasn’t happy for them because I was, it just made the emptiness grow deeper and the heartache more painful. How did you cope? How did you move past the pain and move forward? Some days are easily to get through but others are so hard and the pain is so unbearable I find myself breathless and constricted. What do I do?

    Sincerely Broken Mother

    1. Danielle, I’m so very sorry for you loss. In answer to your question, how did I cope? Honestly, I just took it one moment at a time. That saying, Time heals all things, wasn’t true for me. Time hasn’t healed me. I’m still very much broken over my babies who aren’t here. But God is healing me. Moment by moment, he is working in my heart to heal what’s broken. Writing about my losses also helped me a lot. And doing things in remembrance of my babies. The one thing that helped more than anything else was allowing myself to be honest with God about how hurt I was. Hang in there, Danielle. You can get through this.

  37. My wedding anniversary is Miscarriage and pregnancy loss Remembrance Day. I’ve had 3 losses & now I dread my anniversary :*(

  38. I am a miscarriage survivor at just barely 18 years old.. People always told me it was probably for the better since i was so young, and that may be true.. But it doesn’t make it hurt less.. Of course there isn’t a day that goes by that i don’t think of my angel, and there isn’t a single day that i don’t blame myself.. Is that bad? Is that normal? I mean, I know that nobody can control these things but i cant help but feel like maybe if i saw a doctor sooner, maybe if i took more prenatal vitamins, or maybe even if I didn’t work so hard at my job, i would be holding my now 4 month old in my arms rather than only in my heart.. now don’t get me wrong, I’m truly blessed to hold my baby in my heart, but it would be nice to have my baby here with me..One of the hardest parts was the fact that both of my sisters were pregnant. My oldest sister had my nephew just days before I miscarried. My middle sister was pregnant with my niece through my miscarriage, so it was difficult to see her.. The one year anniversary of my baby’s passing is coming up March 11th, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to cope, considering how often I still break down..

    1. chloe, I’m so very sorry for what you are going through. Hugs to you and prayers for you in the days and weeks to come. I’m thinking of you, especially as March 11 comes closer.

  39. I was looking for prayers to make it through the night and found this page. I miscarried 3 times and I fear getting pregnant again. I was blessed to have ultrasound pictures of 2 pregnancies. I don’t know how to move on exactly. I become very emotional today as I just passed the due date of my twin girls. I fight to hold back the tears only because I am at work. I sat in a meeting today in clear eye view of a now pregnant co-worker. I could not help but think of my lost. I am very happy for my co-worker but I still fight back the tears. I guess I am still in the grieving process and do not see a way out. I appreciate that I came across this page. It feels good to express myself about my loss without feeling like a needy fragile woman. I try to stay strong but it is so hard.

    1. Anita, My heart is just breaking for you. I wish I had the right words that would make it hurt less, but you and I both know there really are no words. I am praying for you, and sending you virtual hugs. One thing I do know…you will get through this. Hang in there.

  40. what’s even harder is a chemical pregnancy. You”re to early to have an exact due date so the whole month around the approximate time hurts. You never get to hear a heartbeat. You never get to see an ultrasound. You don’t know your baby’s gender. You don’t have a name picked. You never felt it move. You lost the baby so early that it passes like a period and you feel likeyou’ve abandoned your child. And something else left out: it hurts every time younger children ask why you’re sad or your kids ask about the baby

  41. I agree. It is very nice to find this site and hear what others have to say. I just miscarried 5 days ago. The day after they found a heartbeat. I’m feeling loss, grief, anger, and numbness. Sometimes all in the span of a minute. My 2 best friends are pregnant, as well as my husband’s 2 best friends. So it really feels like a smack in the face everyday. And, like someone else mentioned, of course I’m happy for them. It’s just hard for me. Next weekend I host one of the baby showers a mere week after losing mine. Everything is a reminder-things that never would have mattered before. I, too, am already thinking about the holidays and how our lives should be different by then. My due date is the day before National Pregnancy Loss Day, so that feels like an extra sting. To top it off, I lost my 12 year-old dog, a family member and the baby within months of each other, so everyone tries to find words to tell me “It’ll get better”, “everything happens for a reason”, etc. While I know they’re just trying to help. Sometimes it just makes it worse. Thanks again, ladies and my heart goes out to each of you.

  42. first off, I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your beautiful babies. My best friend shared this with me.
    My husband and I had a miscarriage, at 9 weeks, 4 years ago in October.
    Completely devastated. No words could describe that feeling. I had just found out I was pregnant. 4 days later I was in the hospital losing it.
    This past October 14th, we lost our little girl, Reagan, to NeoNatal Death. She was born 19 weeks premature. But we were blessed with some of the most incredible amazing moments with her before she passed. Nothing has not ever will hurt that bad. She was due March 1st. Holding my angel was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But letting her go was the hardest. And I am still dealing with it. Daily. If I laugh, I cry. This is never something that we ever plan as kids when thinking about our future. So, all of the things you have said are so true. Seeing other pregnant women, babies, even commercials for diapers. But one thing that stuck out the most, finding out you’re pregnant again. Couldn’t be truer.
    January 4th, found out we were having another baby. Valentine’s weekend, we lost it. And though it hurts, you have to see the silver lining. Even on the darkest days. Because of my unknown angel, we now know what the problem is, why my daughter, whom was a very healthy baby and I had a very healthy pregnancy, was born early. This angel helped us find that answer so we can fix the problem.
    I will one day learn to heal. I have faith in that. But for now, I am doing everything in my power so that Reagan can be proud of me.
    Thank you for this beautiful blog post.

  43. I am so grateful to be able to have access to other woman’s stories, I feel very alone right now, and I am so sorry for these loses. Two weeks ago I woke with a faint bit of blood after I went to the washroom, I heard so many times that this is normal but I wasn’t going to take any risks, so I went to the doctor. She confirmed it was perfectly normal and suggested I go for an ultrasound to be sure. Went for the ultrasound no heartbeat! What next, a referral to an early pregnancy loss clinic, until then sit and wait with my baby laying dead inside of me, I was on my 11th week. Went for my appointment they gave me some choices I took the natural path. A couple days later some bleeding and cramping started, and then yesterday I woke up at 1am with pain that progressed into contractions, so bad that I vomited, and I was screaming in pain and then there was a burst of water and it stopped. I only discharged a small piece of tissue and a lot of blood, went back to the clinic with my collection and the nurse said sorry your not finished there is a lot more tissue. I am so frustrated the pain I went through was the worse physical pain I have ever experienced in my life, and that was just a small amount of what I had to discharge. Please I am lookin for feedback, I really want a baby and I am considering a d and c so I can feel normal again.

    1. Jessica, I’m so very very sorry for your loss. I don’t have any words to make it better for you, but I want you to know you are not alone and I’m praying for you right now. Hugs to you.

  44. I am coming up on what was supposed to be my due date. April 10th. I have no idea what to expect. I am off of work for the most part that day so I am free to feel whatever I want. I’m just not sure what that’s going to be. I wish April didn’t have to come and March would just linger around.

      1. Thank you very much. It was not as rough of a day as I had dreaded in the past. I am very lucky to have a loving husband who really took care of me yesterday and through everything. My heart really goes out to anyone reading this all going through the same process.

  45. my sister-in-law (and life long best friend) and I found out we were pregnant on the same day…her due date was 5 days before mine and after I miscarried at 12 weeks every time I saw her was difficult for me, especially on the day of her baby shower that I helped host and the day she delivered. I am so happy for her and love my little niece but I still tear up every time I see them. My miscarriage didn’t only break my heart but also put some strain on the relationship I have with her (but she recently told me she has tons of hand me downs and tips for when my time comes again)

    1. Ashley, it is so very hard when close friends or families are pregnant around the same time we are. I still cry sometimes when I see a friend of mine’s daughter who would be the same age as one of my babies. Hugs to you all and so very sorry for your loss.

  46. Pingback: A Story of Mine: Pregnancy & Miscarriage |
  47. My birthday is going to be difficult. I’m already dreading that day. It was my due date. I feel like I’ll never really be able too enjoy it again. August 17 🙁

  48. I just experienced my first miscarriage about a week ago at 8 weeks. It’s something you always silently fear but never really believe will happen to you. A lot of posts I have read related to miscarriage come across as.. well… bitter. Not yours though. I am not angry about my loss… just sad. And I feel exactly as you said. I am so happy for those around me experiencing healthy pregnancies and enjoying their new little babies. As women we should lift each other up, even through our grief. This post touched my heart. I too wrote a letter for my baby. At the time I wasn’t sure what I would ever do with it but I was able to bury her with it the next day after I had her. Anyways, thanks you for your insights. I grieve for all of you who have lost your little angels. Love and good thoughts your way!

  49. When I first lost our baby I didn’t realize how much all the different days would affect me. I didn’t realize how much seeing a pregnant woman would bother me. Great article…a must read for any one trying to help a friend or loved one through this horrible time.

  50. Our wedding anniversary is really hard. We lost a baby that same week and lost another baby that was suppose to be due that week.

  51. I’ve never been pregnant, so I don’t understand the same way, on that level. Still, my mom lost a baby before she had me, and I miss her all the time. Not many people understand when I talk about Lindsey, but she’s just as real to me as my living little sister. A few months ago, I got a multi-part tattoo, with an animal in honor of each member of my family. I got a blue and pink butterfly in honor of Lindsey (since we don’t actually know if my mom was having a girl or a boy). I found that really helped me to make sense of my own sense of loss and grief, and also celebrate her short life. I celebrate her on the day my mom had her miscarriage, and also on October 15. If people ask how many siblings I have, I usually only mention my living sister, unless it’s a person I feel very comfortable with (e.g., close friends, counselors, etc).

  52. This helped me. I was struggling with my loss today. Helps to read about others that feel the same way. -mother of an angel.

  53. Today I am waiting for the hospital to call so I can go in for my D & C, I started to miscarry yesterday at 12 weeks and I also miscarried 6 months ago at 11 weeks and was due in a few weeks. This page has helped me feel not all alone as I sit here alone waiting for the hospital to call.

  54. I find it hard because my miscarriages have been very early, 7 and 5 weeks, so there was no baby really, I feel like I just imagined the positive test. From now on I won’t go to the Dr right away. They’re not the most tactful, hearing about others having miscarriages doesn’t make yours easier, the statistics don’t help.

    October 15th is a very hard one for me. This year it’ll be my 24th birthday, but rather than partying I’ll be mourning the loss of two babies who’s hearts never got to beat. One passed just 2 weeks ago. It’s tough, but we’re strong so we can learn to cope.

  55. My husband and I struggled with infertility for over 2 years. I finally got pregnant in august this year. I lost my baby on October 7th at 8 weeks. No heart beat on the ultrasound. I was so excited to finally be pregnant and I lost the baby. The nursery was all ready because we were so excited. I put a picture of the baby’s ultrasound in the crib, so in some way they got to be home. My heart aches in such a profound way that I didn’t know was possible.

    1. Nicole, I’m so very sorry. I wish so much I could say something to make you feel better, but there really are no words. Please know, though, that you are not alone and I’m lifting you up in prayer today…

  56. I miscarried the day before yesterday, Oct 16th. I had miscarries in February but I was so early I didn’t get to really see a baby. But ithis time was so different. I seen my baby and my heartbroke in so many pieces. I am so thankful for my two healthy & beautiful children, but I am still devastated by the loss. It’s been difficult and I am now on the mend. Physically I am doing way better than expected but emotionally and mentally it is hard. Reading these blogs really helps. Thank you for writing this post cause it does help to know I am not the only mama that feels the need to grieve her baby

  57. My husband and I just lost our baby on Oct 16th 2015. I was 17 almost 18 weeks when I found out he didn’t have a heartbeat anymore. He was so beautiful after delivery and we were able to get answers as to why he passed which helped in a way. But i will always grieve no matter what. I am so sorry for your loss as well. This page of information has helped me tremendously. Thank you ♡

  58. My husband and I just lost our baby on Oct 16th 2015. I was 17 almost 18 weeks when I found out he didn’t have a heartbeat anymore. He was so beautiful after delivery and we were able to get answers as to why he passed which helped in a way. But i will always grieve no matter what. I am so sorry for your loss as well. We have a 5 year old son who i am thankful for. We also want to try again in due time, if i do get pregnant i know ill be scared, but ill do my best to be happy no matter what. This page of information has helped me tremendously. Thank you ♡

  59. My husband and I just lost our baby on Oct 16th 2015. I was 17 almost 18 weeks when I found out he didn’t have a heartbeat anymore on an ultrasound, but was perfectly fine 3 days before that on another ultrasound. He was so beautiful after delivery and we were able to get answers as to why he passed which helped in a way. But i will always grieve no matter what. We do have a 5 year old son as well, we are very thankful for. I am scared to get pregnant again when the time is right, but hopefully ill be happy. I am so sorry for your loss as well. This page of information has helped me tremendously. Thank you ♡

  60. I know this post is a couple years old, but it showed up on my Facebook timeline right when I needed it. The first part of December is always hard and even harder this year. My due date for my first miscarriage was Dec 8, 2007. We miscarried/d &c in May 2007. I got pregnant again in October and miscarried on my due date of the first- Dec 8, 2007. We then went on to have two healthy beautiful girls- one in 2009 and the other in 2011. We then got pregnant again this year with a due date of Dec 5 and I again miscarried. I hate the first part of December and what makes it worse is that my birthday is December 4 and my husbands is December 10. With both that had due dates in December, we would joke with each other that they would be born on our birthday.

  61. Holidays are hard for me especially Christmas I wonder what I would be getting my babies what they would be wanting how excited they would be. Pretty much any family holiday. Easter and 4th of July can be hard it depends on the year and what we do. Your above list hit it on the nose for me except the day you find out your pregnant again I have no rainbow babies.

  62. This is a good article. Holidays and anniversaries can be hard and most of the time you don’t want to be around people. They don’t understand of course and think you ‘should push through it’ or ‘get over it’… the pressure from ‘outsiders’ who don’t know the pain of baby loss is crazy and sometimes unbearable and it’s very difficult to try and voice your feelings and reasons. Plus everyone grieves differently.
    I should have a two year old boy now. A blue eyed, blonde haired mini me of my husband but as he’s in heaven, Christmas morning is sad. We get through the day very well now but it IS hard and sometimes we just want to be alone to celebrate in our own little way.
    We actually lost him on July 2nd, I went into labour on July 1st which is Canada day, so that day is now normally quiet for us, instead of celebrating the country we live in. He was born at 20 weeks, we had miscarried 3 years earlier at 11 weeks. We have no other children.
    I know this is hard for people who don’t understand, but if they just take the time to not put any pressure on us loss parents, it would help immensely. They might forget the dates, and their lives go on as normal, but ours are ‘normal’ no longer.

  63. Thanksgiving Day will be hard for us! We lost our little boy on 11.26.15 (Thanksgiving Day) at 16 weeks 4 days! And Christmas was really hard, we were keeping our pregnancy a secret because, we were going to surprise our families with the gift of being Grandparents again! I even bought eggs off Etsy with messages inside (Break the News is the shop name) that said, “Santa says your bundle of Joy will be a little late this year, you’ll be a Grandpa again, on May 9, 2016…. also this is the day after Mother’s Day!!! UGH!!!! So many meaningful holidays! My sister asked me if I was going to have a collage on my wall of our little boy, since I have boughten so many things to represent him…. she was being sarcastic…. I can’t help but buy stuff, I would have pictures everywhere after he was born, just because he was born sleeping doesn’t make it any different to me!

  64. and when people ask.. oh do u have kids and ur response is no.. them not knowing you’ve had 2 miscarriages and they answer back well ur still young. it kills me

  65. The “How many babies?” question sucks every time 💔 The anniversary of finding out I was pregnant hurts because it was the best day of my life at that point and, because my baby died too soon I don’t have a “birthdate”. Due dates are usually wrong and I Can’t celebrate the day I heard the Worst sentence: “There’s no heartbeat” ( another bad anniversary)

  66. Although this thread is a couple of years old, it was exactly what I needed tonight. Knowing I’m not alone in this grief gives me so much comfort. We lost our baby last week at 20 weeks and 5 days. We delivered a perfect little girl on 6/2, our wedding anniversary and her due date was 10/15 (Stillbirth Awareness Day). I hope the days get easier because my heart aches constantly knowing what we’ve lost.

  67. We found out on our anniversary, and we were due in Feb. I was so excited because this was our love baby – Feb 13th. This one’s birth stone and my six year old’s would be our wedding colors. I had a missed miscarriage, after passing a blood clot. I’ve felt so guilty as we were flying for vacation right before – my OB repeatedly told me that it wasn’t my fault. I have PCOS too, so I feel like I/we didn’t do enough. We’d put off this baby for three years – needed better jobs, then we needed to move, then it took a year to get pregnant. Now almost two weeks after my d & c, every time I think about the baby I think about how badly it was wanted – my son SO wanted to be a big brother. He cried when he found out another friend would get to be one (before he knew I was pregnant), but has refused to cry now about this baby – telling me “big boys don’t cry.” I’m worried about him.

    1. Oh Laura, I’m so very sorry for your loss. It is so very hard to watch our little ones grieve too, isn’t it? I remember that well with my oldest. Hugs, my friend. Praying for you and for your family tonight.

  68. We lost our baby girl last Friday. I was 37 weeks, 3 weeks away from my due date… Her heart just stopped, and mine broke. I haven’t quite experience the days you mentioned in your post I couldn’t avoid reading it, I need to know what my future holds. We had to deal with so many questions though when we lose her, how did I want to deliver her? Did I want my tubs tied? Did I want IUD? Do we want autopsy? Do we want to see her, do we want to hold her? Do we want a picture? Do we want to see a pastor? Do we know what funeral home to go with? Are you going to try again? Leaving the hospital with no baby and seeing everybody else leave with one, to hear the lullaby they play every time a baby is born kept reminding of what I lost. How can I overcome this? How can I try again? I’m afraid this will happen again 🙁 I want a baby so bad now, but I don’t just want a baby, I want my baby girl.. :'(

    1. Oh Dianna, my heart is breaking for you. I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t have any answers for you but I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and that I’m praying for you. Hugs, my friend.

  69. Well, the anniversary of losing my son while I was 14 weeks is approaching, September 13th. It will be 25 years and the grief is still very much real. I have since given birth to 3 wonderful sons, but I still grieve the loss of my first son. I feared with every pregnancy. I had complications with every pregnancy. I feel very blessed indeed to have them all. I didn’t know much at the time of my loss, but finding out years later of what should have been offered and never was is extremely difficult to still deal with today. The hospital never offered me to see my baby, hold my baby, a photo of my baby, say good-bye to my baby or even the right to bury my baby. Knowing what they did with him is heart wrenching. Every baby is entitled to a burial. I pray all the time that my sweet little angel is resting in peace and knows that he is with me always 😥🙏🏻👼🏼

    1. Hi Debbie, Thank you so much for sharing your story. Hugs, my friend. I’m learning that you don’t ever “get over” losing a child. It’s something that changes a person, ya know. Anyway, praying for you this week as you mourn the loss of your beloved child.

  70. All days are difficult. I don’t think of particular anniversary days as stated in this blog post. It’s been almost 6 weeks since my miscarriage and every day is a mess.

  71. I had a miscarriage 5 weeks ago, when I was 14 weeks pregnant. My husband is very supportive, I know he is also very sad, but he is trying to be OK for me.My parents are also loving, but other people don’t really understand what it feels like, they say ‘it happens all the time’, or ‘it was an early pregnancy, so why are you so sad’, but I think that most painful line is ‘you will have another’. Yes, maybe I can have another, but I really wanted that one! Even before this happened to us – my husband, me and our baby, I never liked asking to much questions, because you never know when you will be asking the wrong one. When it comes to your text, I agree, I will never be able to forget September 29th when it all happened and April 16, which was our due date…

  72. I am currently in the middle of a “missed miscarriage”. I was 12 weeks at the first OB appointment when we found out that the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing about four weeks before. After unsuccessful attempts to complete the miscarriage with prescriptions, we found out that my body is determined to be and stay pregnant. I now have an infection that has to be treated before I can have a D&C… which means I will be at least 14 weeks “pregnant” before the miscarriage is completed. Waiting is so hard.

  73. I know this post is several years old, but I just had a miscarriage the 16th and have felt so devastated and broken. I’ve read a couple of your posts and just wanted to thank you. 💔 💕 I would like to say more, but I think that’s all I have right now. Thank you.

    1. I’m so very very sorry for your loss. Ugh, my heart hurts for you. I know there are no words I can say to take away your pain, but I want you to know you are not alone and I’m lifting you up to our heavenly Father in prayer today. Hugs to you, my friend.

  74. Thank you. Jordan is my middle child, my angel baby. Two are alive, but I have THREE children. Bless you! 💗

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