Are you wondering how to tell a friend who miscarried you’re pregnant? I’ve had plenty of opportunities to figure out both good and bad ways to tell someone who recently miscarried that you’re pregnant.
After each of our miscarriages, we had some people who were so thoughtful in the way they shared their news. Unfortunately, we also had many who weren’t very thoughtful. (And honestly, I don’t really blame them, because how would they know? If they have never miscarried, how could they know the best way to break the news?)
I hope this post helps you know how to better communicate with someone dealing with grief because of a miscarriage.
How to Tell a Friend Who Recently Miscarried You’re Pregnant:
Let’s start with what NOT to do.
What NOT to Do:
1. Ignore them and hope someone else tells them your news.
Sure, this might take the pressure off of you, but it shows a lack of concern for your friend. I would rather someone tell me (even if they don’t know exactly how to do it) than to ignore me altogether.
2. Treat them exactly the same way you would if they were still pregnant.
The truth is, they are not the same person as they were before. They are hurting.
They will still be happy for you – absolutely – but your gain reminds them of their loss, so it will be hard. Don’t pretend like they’re not grieving.
Instead…here are a few things you can do to help soften the blow.
What TO Do:
1. Tell them before you make a public announcement.
If you only do one of these things, please do this!
Pregnancy announcements sting for those who are dealing with infertility or babyloss. They sting not because these people are not happy for you, but because these announcements remind them of their loss.
Seeing your pregnancy picture reminds them that their baby bump is not going to grow anymore. Watching your gender reveal makes them wonder if their baby was a boy or a girl.
It might seem selfish if you’ve never gone through a miscarriage. It might seem like all of the focus is on their loss, but it’s really not. It’s a part of grief. We focus on our loss for a time so we can grieve it and then move forward.
We are happy for you and for your family, but we are sad for ourselves and for what could have been.
When you tell someone privately before making a public announcement, you let this person know you have thought about their feelings and you care about what they’re going through.
2. Acknowledge their loss.
This goes right along with #1. By acknowledging their loss, you let them know you care about them and are not indifferent to their pain.
3. Ask them how you can be sensitive to their grief when you share pregnancy updates.
If you’re not sure how your actions affect them, just ask. And hopefully they will tell you.
4. Allow them to be sad, and try not to take it personally.
They’re happy for you, just sad for themselves. They wish so much that they could be in your shoes. That they too could feel their baby move. Find out the gender. Hear the heartbeat.
Don’t take it personally if they hurt because of your announcement. It’s not your pregnancy that hurts them but their lack of pregnancy.
To those of you who have miscarried, any other tips?
*I originally wrote this post in 2012, but have updated it here.
This has helped. I will soon need to tell my older sister who recently has had her 4th miscarriage and is grieving that she may not be able to have children (I still hope). I am now pregnant with my 2nd child. I am sad that currently our Kids can not grow up together. If i could I would give up my 2nd one so she could have one. I am currently trying to be there for her as much as she wants/ needs me in this process. Yet Soon I have to tell her and it breaks my Heart.
My best friend lost her baby to SIDS over 15 years ago. I learned that I was pregnant soon after the passing of her baby. Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done was tell her about my pregnancy. She was happy for me, but also sad for her empty arms. There came a time during my pregnancy she couldn’t tolerate seeing me or any pregnant woman for that matter. We stayed in touch, just not in person. The worse thing someone can do to a grieving mother is ignore them and their loss. My friend had many acquaintances/friends disappear because they were uncomfortable or didn’t know how to respond to her change of circumstances. If you find yourself in this situation, please be patient with your friend and don’t take their actions or behaviors personal. Our friendship has proved the test time and today we are close as sisters.
Diane, thank you so much for sharing your story and wisdom. It sounds like you did exactly what you should have done…you were there for your friend, let her grieve, and loved her through her pain. Bless you, my friend.
I have never had to tell someone who lost a baby that I was pregnant but I have learned from people what not to say. What I finally learned what I wish people had said to me was “I am so sorry for your loss”. I know what I went through and felt when i lost my babies, (and each time it was different), but I refuse to say I know how you feel. We all feel different and I am here if you wish to talk. Don’t feel ;you will make me feel bad but maybe if we just cry together it will help both of us.
I have had so many blessings when I said this little statement. It helps the person hurting right after a miscarriage and it has helped me grieve for the child I lost no matter how long ago it had been. I still look at our dining table at holidays and see the missing plates where 5 more children should be sitting. I think I always will
“I am so sorry for your loss” is such a great thing to say to people. You’re right…people never can really know exactly how another person feels. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom and the things you have learned. Hugs, my friend.
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